To the Course I Don't Deserve

PLEASE READ IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T DESERVE WHAT YOU LOVE.

I have a secret to tell. There's a very particular reason why I am happy with J121 results. I admit. I only got a 1.5. But that 1.5 was like my first and only two points in a basketball game. It was a 1.5 i really really wanted to have.

I was once a student assistant at the department of journalism, cmc. and while i was a student assistant i'd just want to note that the newspapers were always arranged. that no matter how many times in a day i had to pile each on top of the other, in perfect alignment or like magazine like design, i do it. because i like keeping the department neat and tidy.

Because i was like student assistant/housekeeper i got to see the essays of the transferees. and shiftees. of my batch. so if your transfer/shifting process was summer 06 then you're included among the essays i saw and no one knows about that, until now.

i was fixing the books and the files at ate raqs corner when i saw a bunch of yellow paper. and since i'm a unique girl, i stand out. i saw a green and pink set of paper. and i'd like to make it a point that everyone knows... i think i was the only person who tried to transfer with a green and pink paper. literally it was page one green. page two pink. page three green. page four pink- kind of green and pink. so i looked out for myself. there weren't any professor around. and ate raqs left me in charge. i wasn't really snooping around. i was actually doing a good deed- cleaning up. and it won't necessarily be wrong. it's my paper anyway.

so i got it. among a pile of yellow papers of all shades of yellow, i got to hold my green and pink essay. and i was sad the whole day. i shouldn't have been that curious.

i found out that i received a low grade for the essay. and i am not the person who's good at dealing with low grades. i don't cope with low grades very well. i'm like. low grades intolerant. so i was sad all day. actually. i felt ashamed of myself. and a bit regret popped up from here and there but i was hopeless, there was nothing for me to do. my i should'ves won't get me anywhere. i have already transferred.

now before i continue let me tell something about myself:

i am not a part of any writing org in high school. although wait. i did write in high school. but that's a literally write thing. i was part of the peer counseling club and i received letters from students who have problems and i reply to them with my advice and all. my pseudonym was colleen because i loved my colleen colored pencils a lot. i was first year high school then and i was already expected to give my words of wisdom. which fortunately gave me good grades because I was the pseudonym choice of the year. i had so many letters our moderator ask my permission if she could give some of my letters to other org mates who don't receive any letter at all. and i was already unselfish that time. i was more than happy to share.

after that i was never involved in writing anymore. in fact i just got myself involved in what, mostly acting? i got to be involved in PETA during my third and fourth yr high.

come first yr college i didn't have any writing course as well. in fact i don't write anything other than love letters. i was the master of love letters.

i don't also read newspapers. i collect magazines. but i don't read them from cover to cover. i just buy magazines to find some things to buy (which i don't often get to buy) so change that to things to save up for list. so basically, i have no background in journalism. the most journalistic thing i have done during my prior to change of course thing is writing journals. like letter journals. like. hey it's april 11 today and we haven;t seen each other for two days. i miss you. you know what.... and so on. got it? the most journalistic thing i know to write are love letters that are written everyday, compiled in a notebook or filler because my love letters are most often than not always THAT long.

so why did i transfer to journalism? i don't know. i realized i love the life of a journalist as to how i saw them in movies. it's so free. the only thing i wanted was a corporate attire and like an on the road kind of job. and i thought, hey, if i'm journalist, i could do that. so there. i have no idea what a journalist is and there i was wanting to be one.

although come first year col i already knew i wanted to write. i just don't know what i wanted to write about. but i just know i wanted to write. that's why upon application, i opted to go into journalism. see i wasn't even smart enough to know the difference between magazine journalism and the teodoro-chua journalism.

in fact. i don't even know who the hell they are.

so i tried out. and i answered whole-heartedly. i wanted to take journalism because i want to write a book. i really really really want to write a book. what about? i don't know. but i guess it's my love letter habit in evolution. from writing a notebook and a filler notebook, i now want to write a book. i made my answer revolve around the i want to write a useful book thing.

luckily, i got it. which returns us to the now, rather the then, i was a student assistant of journ dept.

at first when i found out i got accepted in journ i immediately ignored my socio slot. i didn't even get to attend my euro language interview (because i forgot or i think i didn't know the sched) and tourism, i never pursued anymore. i thought. i'm in journ. i'm a step closer to my book.

but little by little i was made to realize. god. what did i get myself into? people around me, they're most often than not part of their school papers. oh my god, they actually read inquirer news. e ako? when i get my hand on a newspaper, i open it immediately to lifestyle. jump to entertainment. then i put it down. i didn't expect that i was expected to read news and like know news or what. i thought very wrongly of journalism. i'm so sorry journalism.

and there it was my green and pink CLUELESS essay haunting me and mocking me and crushing the little bit of hope that i could find a light in this gray area i have placed myself into. there it was. piled up amongst all shades of yellow paper.

i got a really low grade. it's somewhere 2

2.5

2.75

3

4

5

ok exagge. no 5s

pero i think there was a four?

i don't know. basta it's within that grade.

the essay was evaluated by three professors and the professors were sir teodoro- who was my adviser that year. yes year. both of the semesters of my first year in journ... and mind you. i had no idea who he was during my first sem as a journ major. i thought he was just some old guy; sir arao, and the reason Diliman Voice would always be memorable- ma'am simbulan.

while reading their names, the only name i knew was sir teodoro because that time he was my j101. hell i didn't know who sir arao is as a journalist. i just know he's sir arao. i know them all. i was student assistant right? but i don't know who the hell they were.

i almost cried when i saw my low grades. i felt like i was too disheartened to function. i was questioning the whole acceptance of my application. maybe i was right. i have reason to be surprised on why oh why the hell was i accepted eh i had no serious or even not serious background in journalism. i thought. sana di na lang nila ako tinanggap. bakit ba kasi nila ako tinanggap. now i'm stuck. and it felt so bad for me. it felt so bad for me. it felt so bad for me.

it felt so bad for me to insist to myself that i don't deserve the course that makes my eyes twinkle during class, and gives me a kilig feeling during execution of a desired assignment.

i thought... sana hindi na Lang ako tinanggap. if i wasn't fit to be in mass com. they shouldn't have accepted me in the first place.

i remember particularly ma'am simbulan commenting something like i would find it very difficult in mass com. it's hyperbolic counterpart is something like i have to perform magic to actually reach somewhere in journ. and it's really painful to read before your very eyes. especially at a time when you thought. wow. i found my place.

:((

that's why DILIMAN VOICE IS MY VINDICATION. especially since i found out that my grade for the paper (including all aspects of the final paper grade) was a whopping 1.03

and for a person who didn't believe in me. a 1.03 was a perfect ten.

so there. i have no idea about journ. i'm stupid that way. i'm not like those serious journ majors who read the newspaper. in fact i don't even watch news on tv. i don't watch tv period. i don't read newspaper because it's so big. period. i just do it to spare time. and journalistically speaking.. that is not counted.

i am not like any other journ majors who actually know what they're doing. i actually don't remember my copy editing symbols. i remember some but not all. and i'm not sure with those i remember.

i don't make sense a lot. i'm not like those journ majors who know what's going on in the country. i'm not like those journ majors who's got something to say. well i am very talkative but journalistically i have nothing to say. which makes my 1.75 (?) for editorial raise the roof worthy.

i am not like any of those serious journ majors who i know, knows what they're doing, and are actually good at it.

:((

but i do know na kinikilig ako nung 101. at hindi yun dahil lang kay sir teodoro o dahil before my 101 class eh makikita ko si sai sa CHK. it's because i really like listening to sir teodoro (the just some old guy i thought he was) and i'm really happy going out of my way just to do my story. even if i'm not sure if what i'm doing is right.

i do know na kinikilig ako nung 102 hindi lang dahil kay ma'am chua pero dahil whenever she talks about journ. it's just there. i'm just sure i really want to do it.that's why i listen as intently as i can and try to learn as much as i can handle. i do know that i worked hard on my investigative report, read researches and books and went to stores and interviewed people because i really want to justify the word investigative in the term investigative report. i do know that i cry a lot after 102 because it's like i never did anything right. but i do know that i love writing and cramming my papers. and i love my kwatro going three papers every week, all sem-round.

i am not like any other good journ majors who really do well and would really get to places because they know what they're doing. but i know that i want to know how to do it right. that's why i want to learn. and i know that if i learn. i'd be really good. because i already love it so much now. eh my idea of journ is only the tip of the iceberg.

so to the course i don't deserve. para sa'yo yung 1.03. at yung 1.5. at lalung lalo na yung 1 na individual grade sakin ni ma'am. the very same ma'am who almost said i was not fit for journ.

okay gosh. iyakin. :(

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Remember, if your heart says it's yours. Trust it.

-K-