Spiders :(

Tonight I saw another spider in my room. I felt my heart stop. In my head, I'm screaming "An infestation! Infestation!" but I cowardly just backed out... well not gracefully, I would have to admit, but the cowardice remains the same. Same as last night, only quieter.

The photo below is not the spider I spoke of. That's last night's spider.

Yes, I am speaking of two different spiders. One dead, one alive. Hopefully, none more. But I doubt that.

I am seriously afraid. I haven't been on my bed for half an hour now. My bed's a complete mess, and I would be leaving it as so. I decided I'd sleep on the floor tonight, not my floor of course, my mom's. I am considering never sleeping in my room again when sadness hit me badly. My room's all I have, now as if the diablo's unto me, it took my room away.

Oh by the way, I just saw The Rite. Life has its way of pissing on you, truthfully. The spider showed itself to me after I saw the film. It's like it's hitting me where it knows I'd be hurt the most. The demon knows my weaknesses.

I logged in to my Yahoo account after some few days of not logging in to it. Gone were the days when all my accounts are opened on a daily basis. Not that I am beginning to neglect my ancient yahoo account; never. I'm just not opening it, no particular reason, and/or purpose.

I logged in to my yahoo mail and received offline messages. These messages should've been delivered to my phone as I did log in to Yahoo! mobile, but weren't. I don't know why. Maybe the gods didn't want us to talk. Maybe life just kept a lot o' shit for this one big blow.

If things were going my way this post would not published, typed out even. I would be holding a pen and jotting down on a paper, must be long and ruled; or I would be typing out a word-vomit email. Any other way more private. Any other way with particularities like an addressee, especially.

But things aren't my way. Things aren't really my way in many aspects. Not that I'm complaining, but when you know what you want, you also know what you don't want. Just like in the movie, you can only defeat your enemy when you know your god. Recognition is important in achievement. When you know what you know, you know what you don't. Same goes with what you have, and lost.

To avoid overwhelming anyone who bothered reading up to this point, I'll just make a list. 

1. I'm envious of friends who have private or anonymous blogs. They get to write whatever they want without even worrying about being criticized about the things they say. They are safe from judgments, I'm not. No regrets, I have intentionally revealed myself (parts, details, and all) on this blog because I want to make a statement. I want to make it desirable to be open (for both good and evil), brave (with fear) and strong (with shortcomings). Although I know my life is temporary, my feelings fleeting, and my thoughts ever-changing, I want to make all these things about me accessible. It's actually a very selfish wish. I want everything about who I was (and am) accessible to me. If there are other people who wish to take advantage, it's part of the risks I calculated (briefly).

2. I wish I have someone to talk to. I miss my friends, or wish I have some. I know a lot of people, but I don't really have a lot of people with whom I can intensely share friendship with. I say intensely because I am that way. Not a lot of people would care my added weight, so it gets difficult; but I am always hopeful. I want to carry someone too. I am caring. I believe in the Golden Rule.

3. I feel sorry. I am sorry.

4. I don't want to listen to voices. Not that I'm losing my mind, but I just don't want to listen to voices telling me this and that. I know a lot of these voices are from the best of intentions, or am hopeful that they are, but I just don't want to listen to voices. I want silence, or music. Musical silence, is that possible? If it is, I want it. . . I wish I have my room to listen to such sounds.

5. I'm afraid, constantly. I just know how to keep my head high when the situation calls for a little chin up. But I sleep with a pillow over my head, every day; even in the afternoons.

-K-

Hug?

I am experiencing an anxiety attack, alone.